Change is messy

You know how they say change is HARD?  I agree with that, but mostly I think change is messy.  I'd actually rather it was just HARD, hard I can do.  Give me a challenge, and I'll prove I can do it, and do it better.  MESSY is a bitch.   Once I reflected on the past year and recognized what needed to be changed, I got to work.  Since I've never been one to shy away from a project and goals, you would think I'd feel right at home with all this change.  One would think.

However, those closest to me know that along with being a hard worker, I am stubborn.  I guess I didn't realize just how stubborn I could be.  

What I'm needing to change is instead of beating myself as a motivator, I need be more nurturing to myself and to make the effort to nourish my body in order to find the place where I can once again thrive.  How hard could that be? In deciding to make an effort to do just that, I was prepared and called in for back up (helpers), but I wasn't prepared to actually have to deal with the stubborn girl inside that wants to go back to old habits when anything gets HARD.  I'm imagining it's like having a dog train itself.  Being one to not give up when things get tough, I am learning.  In the meantime I'm kind of a mess.  There are great days and horrible days and everywhere in between.

It's teaching me to be patient, even with myself.  It's teaching me change takes time and sometimes growing hurts.  It's teaching me that rock bottom is great place to start building from. It's teaching me that even on horrible days, even I can love me (that's a BIG one). It's teaching me to never forget about gratitude and humility. It's teaching me what hard really looks like.  

Today I read some words from Steven Kotler that reminded me I'm not alone and that my weaknesses are sometimes my greatest strengths.  Isn't that the truth!?

So, yes change is messy.  And sometimes I'm a mess.  And that's ok.  I would rather have a few bad days than a life that isn't MINE.  I refuse to settle for a anything less than a kick ass life and anything less than I know I'm capable of.  Never, ever, ever, ever, ever give up.  Never. Ever.